made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
