I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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