Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
