Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
