is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize