I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
