why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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