ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize