Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
