Your dad touched me again.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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