So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
