If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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