I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
