She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
