he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
