you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
