I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
