so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
