omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
