you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
