someone get that fucking seahorse.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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