Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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