Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
