just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize