I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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