One girl and one boy is just not enough.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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