Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
