gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just found puke in my bra..
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Randomize
