I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
