she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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