I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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