You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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