If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
