found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
