I should be sponsored by Trojan
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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