remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
