whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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