Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
