Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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