I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
