She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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