Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Duck Duck Cougar?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
