Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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