if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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