barbara walters just said penis...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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