she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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