Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
