my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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