she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
