i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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