I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
