I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize