im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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