Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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