so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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