Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
