did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
