We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
