I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
