She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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