well I can't set my house on fire every night
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
