Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
