turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize