he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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